Funny Pictures Blog

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics, with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking, and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees her family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 3 months to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and is still waiting 6 months later to have her surgery scheduled.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

So if I need a hip replacement, I am going to a vet!

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.

As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked.

The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.

About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced:

"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.

After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.

Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?

And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government."

"So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down."

"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", says the owner.

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

The Associated Press

An unemployed Sacramento man has taken his job search to the streets.

Twenty-nine-year-old Michael Healey wore a signboard listing his employment qualifications as he stood on a downtown sidewalk Friday near the Sacramento Convention Center.

Healey called the tactic a "hail Mary" pass after six months of searching help-wanted ads produced only a handful of job interviews.

He said he had 10 years of business management experience.

The California Employment Development Department announced Friday that Healey has plenty of company. The state's unemployment rate rose to 8.4 percent in November, up from 8.2 percent in October.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary,

I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."